Freedom

This is it.  I finally made it to the eve of the end of my cancer treatments.  Tomorrow is my last herceptin therapy.  I will get my energy back, I will get my third Wednesdays back, I will get my freedom back.  Despite the momentousness of the occasion, I am entirely underwhelmed by Tomorrow.  This surprises me because I thought I would be unable to contain my excitement.  On the contrary, my excitement is entirely contained.  Per usual, I think this deserves an analysis.

I have read that cancer patients sometimes have a hard time ceasing therapy because they have grown attached to their caregivers.  Also, patients wonder how they can possibly return to life without cancer.  These feelings can sometimes turn into depression.  I think it remains to be determined if I will be susceptible to this, but I don't expect depression to be a big factor.  I will still see Dr. Oncologist every three months for PET scans.  I will still see my favorite nurse around town with her son.  And I can't WAIT to return to life without cancer.  Cancer made me needy, and I don't like being needy.  Sign me up for self-sufficiency, please!  

Right now my lack of enthusiasm for tomorrow seems to be related to something I've posted about before, which is accomplishing a goal that I never should have had.  Also, I'm feeling a strong urge to get cancer treatment out of the way so that I can get back to Living.  I acknowledge that getting to this point was no small feat, it's just hard to embrace a celebratory mentality given the subject matter.  I guess I would say that I successfully toughed it out.  Yay?

But there is something that I was inspired to celebrate tomorrow:  my oncologist.  She is brilliant and caring and attentive and thoughtful.  Any guesses what I did to show her my appreciation?  That's right.  I made her a blanket.

    
It's my 12-hour afghan pattern and it makes the coziest blanket in the universe.  For Dr. O I chose three oceanic shades of blue because I envisioned the blanket providing a wave of calm and warmth after a long day of helping sick people.  THIS is where my excitement lies:  in giving her this blanket.

In related news, during the making of this blanket I acquired a protege.  It was only a matter of time, really.

Go, Azalea, go!

I'll end this post with a premature poke tally.  It includes both tomorrow's and the previous herceptin poke, plus the PET scan poke.  I suppose that this is where the poke tally ends?  I must say, I am grateful for that port, otherwise the poke tally would be much, much higher.  Possibly even doubled.  Port, I'm not going to make you a blanket, but I appreciate you.    

port  40

right arm 13

tummy  6

left arm  6

right breast 2++

left breast  1+

superior vena cava 1

T9 vertebral body  1