Mind over matter

   

I only have 5 doses of radiation left.  Why do I feel so defeated?  Answers: 1) real, chemo-esque fatigue has set in; 2) I am entering week 3 of a sinus infection and I'm grumpy about it; 3) my throat is burned, making it painful to swallow and therefore difficult to stay nourished and hydrated.

Hmmm.  Justifying my depression doesn't make me feel any better.  To feel better, I am going to employ my tried and true methods of Indulging Myself and Mind over Matter.

1)  Indulge the fatigue.  It has gotten quite severe and can no longer be denied.  I don't know why it has gotten so bad; perhaps my low white counts are a contributing factor?  Below is a graph of my white counts that I snagged  from my electronic medical chart.  You can see that as of Wednesday (4/27) they have dippped down again, ending their brief upward trend.  The blue dashed lines show the normal range for white blood cell counts.

I went to work yesterday and tried to think, revealing my lacking cognitive abilities and exacerbating the fatigue.  Sigh.  Today I am resting, with the exception of this post and the two short walks to radiation.  I am going to lay on the couch or in bed, do some puzzles with the ladies, and read a delicious book.  I can't wait for all of this to be over so I can get back to my exciting science!

2)  The sinus infection is no doubt contributing to the fatigue, but mostly it is responsible for my grumpiness.  The endless drainage is getting old.  Yesterday I saw Dr. Ear Nose and Throat, who stuck a loooooong periscope followed by a loooooong Q-tip up my nose and took some samples.  These samples will be cultured for bacteria and fungi, and I will be given the appropriate antibiotic based on who has wrongfully colonized my sinuses.  In the meantime, he gave me a sinus wash that contains the antibiotic gentamycin.  I am to squirt 90 milliliters of this antibiotic solution up my nose twice per day, and he seems to have given me a lifetime supply (I think it's two liters).  This is certainly a situation in which I need mind over matter, because all of that fluid rushing through my head sort of feels like I'm drowning.  But I'm not.  So I close my eyes tightly, open my mouth wide, and squirt the solution up one nostril.  Gravity pulls it out of the other nostril almost instantly, and like a whale clearing its blow-hole I snort out the remaining fluid.  Yea.  Grumpy.  But it has to get better soon.

3)  The radiation is burning my esophagus and swallowing is painful.  Dr. Radiation Oncologist gave me some liquid tylenol with codeine, and that helps a little bit.  Also, I met with a dietitian to get some tips on what foods will feel better.  She said that water will be one of the most painful things, and it is.  She said to go for things with a little bit of thickness to them, but not too much texture.  For example, mashed potatoes, smoothies, cream of wheat, and ice cream.  These have all been excellent suggestions, and indeed I am a bit more comfortable at mealtimes eating mushy foods such as these.  Ice cream in particular is fantastic because the cold is a bit numbing.  Overcoming this problem is definitely a case of mind over matter because I have to stay hydrated in order to ease problems 1 and 2.  Grimace and take it down, hbomb.

I'll get a nice break from radiation over the weekend, and then I should finish up on Tuesday.  I'll definitely be weakly stumbling over this finish line.  No triumphant arms pumping the air.  At this rate I'll be lucky if I'm not crawling.