Some Girls Prefer Carnations: Chemo eve, round 3

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Chemo eve, round 3

What does one do on the eve of one's third round of chemotherapy? When one knows precisely how crappy one is going to feel and for how long? When you still have more rounds of chemotherapy ahead of you than behind you?

One eats. And eats and eats and eats. Thus far tonight I have had three falafels, some hummus, and cucumber slices while I cooked dinner. For dinner I had bulgogi (seasoned chickpeas), roasted cauliflower, half of a grilled cheese sandwich, wilted kale, garlic bread, and strawberries. Plus, I've eaten two homemade sugar cookies that my daughters decorated for Easter. I've got my eye on some chocolate milk for a snack later.

Hopefully these delights will carry me through my nauseous BRATY week.

I also have a long walk ahead of me. I'm headed out in a few minutes to get some exercise while I can. Hopefully it's not too windy out there.

In all seriousness, I'm actually a bit pensive about tomorrow. Today a poem came to mind in thinking about chemotherapy round three tomorrow. I hope you like it.

INTO MY OWN by Robert Frost

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarely show the breeze,
Were no, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew -
Only more sure of all I thought was true.

6 comments:

DadApril 17, 2014 at 10:03 PM
All good things you are doing my dear to be ready...as ready as one can be... for chemo. I'm glad you have had a good week & got to enjoy Easter cookies by the little darlings. The poem is a good one & I see you why it spoke to you. Almost halfway kid - BIG hugs!
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LoriApril 17, 2014 at 11:39 PM
Thank you for sharing your Chemo Eve Feast with me. I love that poem. Know that I am always following you on your trek, always right here to do what I can, to witness and affirm your navigation through those dark trees. I know that we each have to walk our own path, but damn, it's good to have people there beside us. I hope tomorrow goes smoothly and that all this good food build up sustains you through the hard days. If it helps, tomorrow you can imagine me and all your family and friends surrounding you with love filled energy that is more effective in destroying the cancer cells than the toxic drugs. Love medicine . . . there in unlimited doses to be taken as needed. <3
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PPApril 18, 2014 at 8:58 PM
I'm sure that gloomy forest beckons sometimes, but you always have that family of sunshine and laughter to turn to...which makes all this shit you are going through worth it...XXOO
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HeatherApril 19, 2014 at 7:19 PM
Sounds great, Sandra! I'm so glad you're in my neighborhood!!!!!!!
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Books I've read recently

TRUTH AND BEAUTY by Ann Patchett "'Grief isn't something to "be gotten through." It has no life of its own like that, it's just plain and simply there.'" and "History is strangely incomprehensible when you're standing in the middle of it."
THE PATRON SAINT OF LIARS by Ann Patchett "I wanted to be able to stop hoping that she would turn into something else."
MY OWN COUNTRY by Abraham Verghese "I remember the acts of human kindness that illumine our world."
IN THE COMPANY OF CHEERFUL LADIES: No. 1 LADIES' DETECTIVE AGENCY NOVEL #6 by Alexander McCall Smith
CEREMONY by Leslie Marmon Silko
THE ELEGANCE OF THE HEDGEHOG by Muriel Barbery "There's so much humanity in a love of trees, so much nostalgia for our first sense of wonder, so much power in just feeling our own insignificance when we are surrounded by nature..."
A WALK IN THE WOODS by Bill Bryson
THE LACUNA by Barbara Kingsolver "'Soli, let me tell you. The most important thing about a person is always the thing you don't know.'"
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A FACE by Lucy Grealy "Sooner or later we all have to learn the words with which to name our own private losses..." and "Part of the job of being human is to consistently underestimate our effect on other people..." and "Sometimes the briefest moments capture us, force us to take them in, and demand that we live the rest of our lives in reference to them."
WATER FOR ELEPHANTS by Sarah Gruen "Age is a terrible thief. Just when you're getting the hang of life, it knocks your legs out from under you and stoops your back. It makes you ache and muddies your head and silently spreads cancer throughout your spouse."
THE HELP by Kathryn Stockett "'I have decided not to die.'" and "Oh, I just break down then. It's like two years a doing and trying and hoping all come out at once."
THE TENNIS PARTNER by Abraham Verghese "Would that I had the chance in my sons' lifetime and my own to one day explain to them all the forces that moved me."
THE BLUEST EYE by Toni Morrison "And then the tears rushed down his cheeks, to make a bouquet under his chin."
REMARKABLE CREATURES by Tracy Chevalier "My life led up to that moment, then led away again, like the tide making its highest mark on the beach and then retreating."
RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 8 by Beverly Cleary "Mrs. Quimby smiled and said, 'I can tell you're beginning to get well when you act like a wounded tiger.'"
THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway "You see, Mr. Barnes, it is because I have lived so very much that now I can enjoy everything so well."
THE FORGOTTEN GARDEN by Kate Morton "The happiest folk are those that are busy, for their minds are starved of time to seek out woe." And, speaking of hospitals: "An irony that a place relying so heavily on routine should operate so resolutely outside time's usual rhythms."
THE HUNGER GAMES by Suzanne Collins "Of course, the odds have not been very dependable of late."
THE IMMORTAL LIFE OF HENRIETTA LACKS by Rebecca Skloot "That cancer was a terrible thing."
THE THIEF OF ALWAYS by Clive Barker "Was there some way...to take back the stolen years, and live them here, with the people who loved him, and whom he loved dearly in return?"
CUTTING FOR STONE by Abraham Verghese "The world turns on our every action, and our every omission, whether we know it or not." Best book I've read in a year

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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Chemo eve, round 3

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