Seattle

December was a big month for my family, in more ways than the usual holiday-related stuff.  This is because my husband graduated with his Bachelors of Science degree from a big local University!  I am so proud of him!  After high school he served in the US Marine Corps for four years, then started his degree program, then paused it to stay home with our young children for two years (one of those years being my cancer year), then returned to school in fall 2011.  Isn't he just plain amazing?  I completely agree.  

I thought we should do something major to celebrate his major achievement, so we took a trip to Seattle to visit my brother.  It was a 4-day, 5-night trip, and oh man was it wonderful.  We rented a house while we were there (www.vrbo.com, it's the best!), and Eleanor still calls it our other house and asks when we are going to stay there again.  Below are a few highlights of our trip.

You should know that although we took nearly 300 pictures on the trip, they were mostly of silly faces or the floor.  That is because the kids have discovered their inner photographer and enjoy taking gobs of pictures with our digital camera.  It ended up being a great diversion while waiting on transportation (airplanes, ferries, etc.).  Needless to say Ian and I ended up feeling like we did a good job getting the camera out, but rarely did we capture the true moments of our memories.

airport silly face

airport silly face, with my brother making a cameo in the background.  He wasn't on the same flight as us, but we were flying the same day (he had come back for a visit, and we planned the trip to be travelling to Seattle in parallel with him.)

airport silly face.  Our local airport has these great kiddie tables for us to hunker down and color at. 

airport handsome face

Our rental house was only 3 blocks from the beach, so we walked there despite the rain and chill.  We midwesterners love an ocean beach regardless of the weather!

The rental house had gorgeous landscaping, including a wooden outdoor fish tank with 5 goldfish in it.  We loved to watch the fish, and indeed to count them every time we visited to ensure that none were missing.  It seemed unlikely that their 24/7 open-air tank would go unnoticed by neighborhood kitties, but indeed, the fishies were always accounted for on our watch.  Seattle truly is heaven on earth, at least for outdoor fishies!

The rental house also had an outdoor hot tub.  We got in it every day, and sometimes at night, too (as shown here).

We went to the Seattle Aquarium.  I highly recommend it.  The kids loved it, and although I haven't been to many aquaria for comparisons I thought it was very well done.  

Here's my brother and the girls behind a giant tube of circulating jellyfish.

The aquarium provided so many creative angles for fish-watching!

This is us outside of the aquarium, and it's the only picture of all of us from the whole trip. You can see that Eleanor is ready for a nap after her big morning out!

We decided not to go in the space needle, but what a beautiful day to be photographed WITH the space needle.

We also went to the science museum.  It was amazing!  We could have spent an entire day there but had to leave due to naptime pressure.  There is a large butterfly house, and the butterflies loved Ian.  He had one on his shoulder for a long time.  Can you see it in the picture?  

We spent a day riding ferries and exploring an island.  Ferry time = silly face time!

Now THAT's a silly face.

The last ferry took us back into Seattle after sunset.  It was so beautiful watching the lights of the city get closer and closer.  Impossible to get a good picture with the wind and the rain and the motion of the boat, but a glowing Ferris wheel makes any picture tolerable. 

We also rode the Ferris wheel, hosted a barbecue, hiked to a lighthouse, built sandcastles with our mittens on, got seafood and the most delicious raspberries at the Market, drank fresh-roasted coffee, baked cookies, and walked to a romantic Italian restaurant for a date.  It was such a wonderful trip.  

Thank you so much, brother, for hosting this remarkable vacation for my little family.  You are a wonderful host and operate just at our speed!  Let's do it again soon.  <3 

Congratulations, Ian, on your gigantic achievement.  I am so proud of you for everywhere you've been and I'm so excited for everywhere you're going.  <3  

Lights for ourselves

I had a series of excellent doctor appointments in the week leading up to Thanksgiving.  Dr. Oncologist said that everything looks and sounds good.  She is sending me to get an echo cardiogram of my heart, just to see how it's doing.  I haven't had one since June 2011, so it's time to give my heart a full check-up and see how it has recovered from chemotherapy and radiation.  That is scheduled for December 28.  I still have to see Dr. O every three months, probably for the next year.  But that's okay.  I enjoy catching up with her.

My appointment with Dr. Surgical Oncologist was also excellent.  My mammogram showed no change from the previous mammogram, meaning that the area of abnormality is almost certainly scar tissue and is remaining stable.  Also, my mastectomy site has healed very well and remains recurrence-free.  Dr. S.O. has loosened my leash, saying she doesn't need to see me or have me get a mammogram of me for a whole year!  Huzzah!

With both of these great appointments behind me, I was poised to have the greatest Thanksgiving ever.  And  I did.  I spent tons of time with my wonderful family, including an extended family sleepover at my dad's place.  This might not be everyone's idea of a good time, but I assure you, it was.  I have some FUN people in my family, and mixing fun people with Catch Phrase, Just Dance 4 on the Wii, and a hot tub yields a very good time.  

My little family then continued our tradition of getting a Christmas tree on the weekend after Thanksgiving.  Below is our tradition in photos.        

It was nearly dark at 4:30 when we struck out to find the perfect tree.

Our journey led us, as usual, to our neighborhood grocery store, Fareway.  "This is the one, dad."

We waited patiently for Ian to strap the tree in the wagon. 

Everyone took a turn pulling the tree home.  

We put the tree in a new spot this year in our den/toy room.  Ian put the lights on it and us girls took charge of hanging ornaments.  

This is the look on the girls' faces when Ian first plugged in the finished tree.  Azalea's face:  pure joy.  Eleanor's face: what's going on?  Behind us note that we also decorated the sh!t out of our dining room.  All illumination in the photo is coming from Christmas lights.  

This is the view of our dining room plus den/toy room from outside.   You can see the tree in the back.  Also note that we failed to remove our Halloween decorations before applying the Christmas decorations.  That is a witch on a broom flying on the picture window.  

Our Christmas tree 2012, complete with the first present underneath.

We decided to put up more lights inside our house than outside because, well, we wanted to enjoy them ourselves.  We have eaten dinner by Christmas light almost every night since we put them up.  It's quite lovely.  I recommend putting up up some lights for yourself this year.  You deserve it.    

I'm a flattie, and proud of it

I have previously written about my choice not to reconstruct after my mastectomy.  I continue to be interested in this choice, and my interest is rooted in the fact that there must be hoards of other women out there who choose not to reconstruct.  They seem to be hard to find and I rarely encounter them in person, but now some have been found electronically thanks to some recent online publications!  

My friend S. and I have continued to research the variables that lead to and outcomes of the choice to be flat-chested after a mastectomy.  Recently she interviewed me for articles on the websites Flyover Feminism    and Mothering.com to align with IBC awareness week.  Great job, S., and thank you for your efforts to raise the awareness of this important issue!  

One of the articles received a comment from Melly with a link to another article.  It's a great article.  But even greater are the comments.  Check out all of the positive feedback from other women who have chosen not to reconstruct.  Of particular interest are the occasional insights into spousal support.  Considering that women often feel pressured to reconstruct in order to remain attractive to their spouse, I think that some of the feedback here is particularly informative.  

Happy reading!

Calm and smiling

I had a great day today.  I established a new collaboration that I hope will yield very interesting results.  I taught a student a new protocol.  I reviewed a manuscript that was actually quite good.  I attended a cartwheel recital right here in my own living room.  I had a good laugh while winning (and losing) at Twister with some young people who might not always know their left and right, but yes they can stretch all the way from red to green.

What made today truly remarkable was the absence of something.  Based on the schedule I have maintained for the past two years, today should have been PET scan day.  I should have fasted for 4 hours, rested for 1 hour while radioactive glucose did some reconnaissance in my body, and held my arms above my head in the cylindrical scanner.  However, since my past two scans have yielded no signs of cancer, my oncologist has released me from prophylactic PET scans.  !  !  !

The best part of PET scan freedom is PET scan RESULTS freedom.  Ordinarily I would be too nervous to sleep on the night before PET scan results.  But tonight I feel calm, relaxed, healthy, and normal.

This reminds me to say that I am continuing to gain control of the anxiety that has been plaguing my heart since my last PET scan in August.  I don't think I've experienced a heart flutter since before my birthday three weeks ago.  A few things to attribute this success to:  huzzah for breathing, yoga, and knitting!  And no, I don't have to live every day like it is my last!  (Whoever came up with that saying clearly didn't have a life-threatening illness.  Seriously.  Talk about piling on the anxiety in a situation that truly doesn't need it!)      

I do indeed  have an appointment with Dr. Oncologist tomorrow to check on my blood (white blood cell counts, magnesium, etc.).  I will continue to see her every three months, but I'll report back if tomorrow my leash gets loosened.  My understanding is that as a person who had IBC I will remain on high alert until 2 years after my last treatment, and my last treatment was a year ago (November 8th or so).   FYI I  have a mammogram and surgical follow-up with Dr. Surgical Oncologist on Tuesday.  I love my visits to Dr. Surgical Oncologist because I get a day to myself in the car and I take myself out to lunch.  Fun times!

Speaking of my last treatment, the clock to calculate cancer survivorship starts 1 year after the patient's last treatment.  I just passed the one year mark cancer-free!  Happy one year survivorversary to me!!!   

I'm grateful for the good times.  So good.

32

In terms of birthday excitement, not much has changed since I was a kid.  I still suggest desired presents months in advance.  I still like to be excited by the potential presents lurking in the house prior to my birthday.  I intentionally avert my eyes when I open the closet door, just in case a present is peeking out from behind the coats.  How old am I going to be, anyway?  That's right, 32.  Well, I am currently baking my own treats to bring to school work tomorrow, and only big kids grown ups can do that.  So there.

It is also an exciting birthday because, well, it marks another year that I have survived on this earth.  One never know which year will be the last, but since facing a breast cancer diagnosis four days before my thirtieth birthday, making it to 32 seems monumental.  I had a terribly aggressive cancer that has a high chance of recurrence (less than 50% 5-year survival rate, with the highest chance of recurrence in the first 1-2 years!!!!).  Knowing these statistics made it hard at times to visualize my 32 birthday.

But what is a 32nd birthday, anyway, compared to something like high school prom.  Prom is often a one-time event, in addition to being an important event at an age in which you are perhaps just beginning to have diverse important events.  Youth brings further significance to milestones.  So at some point during treatment I quit trying to visualize my 32nd birthday and instead started visualizing myself helping my youngest daughter prepare for her high school prom.  Surviving until your 32nd birthday is a lot less stressful when you set your goals for somewhere around your 46th.  And I am in no way capable of picturing myself at 46, so I have the distinct pleasure of assuming my continued existence until then.

IBC statistics, come and get me.    

My transition from concern that I'd make it to 32 to the assumption that I'd still be here doesn't make the birthday any less special.  What it does is allows me to enjoy a normal birthday like I always have.

The girls each got to choose and wrap a present for me.  The gifts are perched on the buffet, awaiting tomorrow with more patience than I have.  Ian said he took them to a craft store and that they wanted to buy me everything, including an entire row of fuzzy fabric bolts arranged by ROYGBIV.  It will be so cute to see what they chose in the end, but I actually don't need any presents at all.  I already have everything I need.
 

Going the distance

Saturday marks my two-year anniversary from my inflammatory breast cancer diagnosis at age 29.  It has been almost one year since my last treatment.  It has been five months since my last mammogram on my remaining breast.  It has been two months since my last and final PET scan.  And here I am.  Cancer-free.  Just another standard-issue vegetarian midwesterner once again.

Ever since my last PET scan I have been suffering from unexplained bouts of anxiety.  All sorts of normal things cause these flutters of anxiety:  picking up the kids from pre-school, grocery shopping, checking work email.  This has been very strange for me because I am usually a relaxed person with a good grip on stress control.  I figured the anxiety originated in my last appointment with Dr. Oncologist because she said I no longer had to have more PET scans.  This is of course glorious news because I hate PET scans (false positives are my nemesis), but also scary news because no one will be watching what's going on inside my body.  My rational self is not afraid at all, but I think my heart flutters mean that I have a subconscious, irrational self who harbors fear.

Turns out it's hard to control the subconscious, irrational self.  (Perhaps you knew that already?)  However, I am pleased to announce that I have gained the upper hand!  I have forced the anxiety to occur much less frequently, like maybe once or twice a week, and it no longer happens around my heart.  Now it is something like butterflies in the stomach, which I find to be much more familiar and manageable.  The mental aspect is not as easy to explain, but it seems to be correlated to the act of surviving.  Since I intend to survive a bit longer, I will continue to work on killing those butterflies.

By the way, happy breast cancer awareness month!  Oddly enough, breast cancer awareness month celebrations have contributed to the butterflies.  Today there was a presentation at work by a local oncology nurse.  I couldn't hardly handle the first few slides about the statistics of breast cancer occurrences and survival rates.  Luckily she didn't go into IBC-specific stats, otherwise I might have left the room.  Soon she got into the importance of self breast exams and my heart slowed back down to a reasonable beat.  Statistics are a bummer unless you're on the good side of them.  You just never know which side you're going to be on.  

This whole month puts survivors on a pedestal, and I am not yet comfortable on that pedestal.  Surviving breast cancer is indeed an amazing achievement.  But it's also a lucky achievement.  Because of this luck I am struggling to be comfortable as a victor of a fight.

Who needs to be a victor, anyway?  I am normal, and my new normal is becoming more and more comfortable.  Life is great.  And I am cancer-free.  Yippee!!  I will work on my pumping up my victor spirit in time for the Race for the Cure next weekend.  The survivor in me will attend in spirit if not in person.        

Tagalong

Azalea has gotten so good at biking with training wheels that we thought she might be ready to try biking in tandem with a grown up.  My stepmom passed down to us a tagalong that has worked its way through her family.  A tagalong is one name for a bike attachment that has handlebars, a seat, pedals, and one wheel that allows a kid to bike with someone else.  It turns a regular bike into a tandem bike.  This tagalong has been hanging out in our yard for a week, teasing Azalea with the possibility of a ride.  But alas it was lacking a critical pin that is required to hold the whole contraption in place.

Tonight while I was at yoga, Ian took the girls to the hardware store to get a pin.  When I got home they were impatiently awaiting my bike (I bike to yoga, you see) to which to hook up the tagalong.  Behind the tagalong, he had hooked up the trailer so that Nori could attend the bike ride as well.  They had their helmets on and were dancing around the yard, chatting about their upcoming biking adventure.   

Azalea was beside herself with excitement.  She could not wait to try "her new bike."  

She stole the camera from me so that she personally could capture her new bike in all of its glory.  

photo credit:  Azalea

Unfortunately I was unable to take any more pictures of the event because chaos ensued.  We tried to help Azalea get comfortable on the tagalong, but it wiggled a bit too much for her taste.  We thought our error might have been starting on the grass, so we moved the operation to the sidewalk, and finally to the street.  I ran alongside the sequential bike contraption holding onto Azalea's seat, as one would to for a kid on a bike that WASN'T tethered to a regular bike.  But the poor dear was screaming and shaking, so we stopped the bike train at our neighbor's driveway.

After she dried her tears she asked for the camera.  She took this self portrait.

("How dare you, new bike.  You were supposed to be AWESOME.")  photo credit:  Azalea

She is definitely my child.  My mantra is often "no need" when it comes to taking risks.  However, this will no longer be a risk issue after she's had the proper training and experience.  See, isn't this me, too?  Seek knowledge and practice knowledge, dispel fear.  Works every time.  

I say good for you, kid, for being so eager to try something new.  We'll try it again soon, and it will be less scary.  Then we'll try it again, and again, and before you know it it'll be as awesome as you thought it'd be with little fear to bear.  I love you, Miss Bud.