Friday, December 31, 2010

I was done with those anyway...and those

I always said that I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was thirty.  My mom always said that she didn't want to be a grandma before she was fifty; we're twenty years apart in age, so you can calculate how this left us at a bit of an impasse.  Unfortunately for her, I had an obliging husband and a series of supportive work environments, so even with a miscarriage I reached my goal with time to spare.  It has all worked out, as these things do, because my mom has embraced grandmotherhood and I am done with my ovaries.  Thank goodness I'm done, because it turns out that the chemo drug taxotere is killing my ovaries.

Ever since the beginning of chemotherapy I've known that the dexamethasone (steroid) made my face flush periodically.  Early on I noticed that the face flush was getting increasingly hotter, and that after each treatment it intensified.  A few weeks ago, I asked how long the 'roid stayed in my system, and Dr. Oncologist said 36 hours.  That's where that conversation ended, but it didn't explain what was happening since I was still getting flush flashes well past 36 hours after my last 'roid dose.  Well, over the last week or two I have come to recognize this face flush as a bona-fide "hot flash", and I break into a sweat for about a minute before I get freezing cold because, that's right, I'm bald.  So on Wednesday I probed into the nature of the hot flashes and left the 'roid out of the inquiry.  As always, Dr. O nodded and explained that the taxotere is killing my ovaries and sending me into early menopause.  It might be temporary, as in just while I'm undergoing chemotherapy.  And that's where she left it.  I'm not sad, because as I said, I was done with those anyway.  The possibility of permanence is kind of unsettling, but I'm also getting used to that.  Basically it's just another side-effect surprise, and I am indeed tired of those.  

Happy New Year to all of you!  I've decided to pass on a New Year's resolution this year.  Anything I posit I can't possibly execute under these circumstances:  be more positive?  Exercise more?  Work harder?  Instead, I am setting a 100% attainable goal:  be the smartest, loveliest, 30-year-old mom without breast(s) this side of the Mississipp'.  I feel that such an utterly subjective goal is appropriate for this situation in which I keep losing strength, feeling, and body parts.  I hope that you too can set attainable goals for yourself this year!  Big electronic hugs from me to you!            


  1. happy new year! wishing you and your family all the best. :)

  2. My New Year's Resolution is to finally once and for all get the stupid commenting thingamajigger to work on your blog...

    Well, hey, what do you know? It worked! I think I'm you're first commenter of 2011 (although that's probably just because I'm up early) - so let me just wish you a great new year, albeit sans ovaries and with 'roids. And ta-tas or no, you'd be in the running to achieve your goal on either side of the Mississipp', I am pretty sure. so with that, happy subjective 2011!

  3. Heather, you already ARE the smartest, loveliest young mom this side (and the other side) of the Mississippi. Azalea and Nori are so lucky to have you as their mom :) And I look forward to picking your brain on how-to-be-a-good-mom advice in the coming years, as I'll surely need it.

    My new years goal (and Torey will love this one): stop picking my cuticles and biting my nails!

    Happy New Year to you, Ian, and the girls! Hope Azalea is also feeling better today :)

  4. You are indeed the loveliest. And don't forget the most glorious. Happy New Year!

  5. My NY resolutions:

    1) Eat more chicken.
    2) Eat less chicken.
    3) Exercise periodically.

    By not establishing metrics, and even though accomplishing goal 2 would preclude me from achieving goal 1, they only way I won't attain 2/3 of my goals for 2011 would be to eat the exact same quantity of chicken as 2010--another unquantified metric.

    Ted Williams, say hello to a .667 average. Suck it, .400 club.

  6. You forgot to use the term "chemopause"! Ha ha.. Maybe you don't remember that from Wednesday. Lori came up with it. :)

  7. Hey girl, I've been thinking about you. Hope you are doing ok. we wanted to have you guys over this weekend, but Liam is sick with a fever. Bummer. Found this website and thought you should check it out. Hope to see you soon

  8. Well we are getting to do something most don't do together. "Turns out" I started having those hot flashes when I got back to Santa Fe! Hmmm, funny how life is. So I can truly empathize with this aspect of your experience. I suppose I am done with my ovaries too! LOL Happy New Year and you have already achieved those goals my dear!

  9. I hope you got some rest this weekend. It was really wonderful to see you!