Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Not used to it yet

I keep thinking that the next PET scan is going to be the one for which my heart neither skips nor pounds out its beats.  And it must always be the next PET scan, because I never have peace with the present PET scan.

I had a clean PET scan in May and felt jubilant.  I felt as though I had conquered the cancer issue at last.  I felt that with one clean PET scan under my belt, I would not suffer the same magnitude of nerves in the future.  Yet the mind is a tricky thing.  I find myself thinking that if we could be certain that the cancer was conquered, I would not be having this PET scan in the first place.  If there were nothing to be worried about, there would be nothing to be looking for.

I have been plagued by over-thinking my entire life.  (It causes me to perform poorly on muliple-choice tests, particularly in non-science fields where I find that most answers are shades of correct answers and it's impossible to choose only one.)  Now my over-thinking is causing pre-PET scan sleep deprivation and crabbiness.

It doesn't help that there was no yoga class this week.  Attending yoga once per week has been a great outlet for physical activity, maintaining range-of-motion in areas of scar tissue, and meditating.  I can accomplish the first two aspects of yoga at home, but have not yet been successful with home meditations.  Too much commotion, too many obligations, too much to think about.  This week I would have greatly benefited by a meditation session to relax and center myself.  On the bright side, I'll have a silent hour in near darkness tomorrow while the radioactive glucose incubates in my body, searching out cells with high metabolic activity.  Yes, that will be a good meditation time as long as I can keep my mind off of my purpose for being there.  Ha!

Sigh.  I am a healthy person, I just have to remember that.  Another year or so and I will have fewer scans, and in just a few years I won't have to be scanned at all.  I can go back to living in ignorance of the rascally thing my body might be up to.  Go back to being a healthy person living in bliss.      


  1. Thinking about you today! Hugs! Miss you!

  2. I've been thinking about you today, sweet girl. How'd it go? xoxo

  3. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs my darling.