Monday, May 12, 2014

Sunk

My bones are anvils.  They have sunk me to the bottom of a warm, shallow sea.  I can see all of your boats sailing around above me.  Sometimes you drop anchor to lift me up with your thoughts and love.  Mostly I just lie there, resting, drifting, awaiting the day when my bones lighten up and I raise back to the surface.  Then I will find my boat and sail around with you once more.

The new drugs are not doing me any favors.  Fatigue is indistinguishable from my previous drug cocktail, nausea seems to be a bit worse, and I'm having morale issues due to the additional treatments headed my way.  [My dad mapped it out and my last chemo is now the 22nd of August.  August!  The girls' first day of school is August 14th!  This will probably put my surgery on Azalea's birthday (first week of October)!  My poor children.  Plus I'm an invited speaker at a national conference on August 10th or so...what am I going to do about that?  Sigh.]

The new drugs are a bit easier on me in two ways, and those are chemo brain and heartburn.  For the most part I don't feel as dizzy or blurry, although I do have my moments.  Regarding the heartburn, I wonder if my oncologist reduced my dose of steroids.  The heartburn was terrible last time, and she mentioned that that was the fault of the 'roids and that she could reduce the dose.  I'm pleased with the change, regardless of the cause.

Time to put on some socks and go for my daily stroll before I sink back down to my watery recovery place.  Ian planted lots of flowers yesterday, so I'm excited to go outside and admire them.  They seem to grow so quickly in my intermittent world.

5 comments:

  1. Damn... that is a LOT of chemo. No wonder you're feeling extra funk-like. You'll get your mind wrapped around this soon but still sorry to hear its got you down for the moment. Hugs!!!

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  2. Your chemo brain still manages to compose profound prose. It is magical to see, even from your warm and shallow sea.

    The body wanes, but the mind waxes still.

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  3. 5 more chemos, 5 more shitty Mondays...the other 47 Mondays will be glorious. Time for some fun...yes it's true...from Heather's Log of the 1994 Family Vaction to Yellowstone National Park:

    "Probably around 2:00. Hi! I am sitting in front of the fire ring. (Red Lodge, MT). We decided on the 2nd campground. There are more trees and less people. You know that mountain stream? It's just a few feet away. Freezing cold. Yep, we already tried it. My feet got too numb and I could hardly walk. Hold on, I gotta get bug spray. Okay, I'm back. We're just getting ready to eat ravioli and noodle soup. Mmmmmmmm! We're going to stay 2-3 nights. Awesome! Well toodles!

    We just finished eating. They are going to swim/wade. They have their suits on. It's way too cold for me. I'll just watch. So long...

    3:05. They did not succeed in swimming, although now Hol & Hil are going to do something with lawn chairs and water. We got the tent up a second ago. Well, bye now!

    3:45. Yes, I did swim, sort of. We put...it is starting to sprinkle...the lawn chairs in the water up to our rear ends. Talk about cold! Have you ever had a numb butt? Very painful. It was really fun, though. I still have my suit on. Me and the siblings have been sitting here laughing about when I wrote about Ryan's episode the other night (the poop ruckus). We were in hysterics. Hold on, I'm going to put my clothes on."

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  4. The bottom of the sea is where the giant squid lives. And, that's where things can grow big and strong and then pop out of the water like a dolphin. Anchors away!

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